Sad

I lost my chance with Ellen, being on her positive radar, but then again maybe something happened to her when I lost it.

I'm so sad, you see it happened after Frankenweenie and something had come over me, but just notice.

I got the idea she was dying and aging.  So sad.  I don't know what to depend on.. I mean, if Ellen is getting old, so are other people, just not me.  I am a bit old, I must admit, more like 30.  I think I can do this.  What about how she didn't want me to necessarily watch Fridays to have a break?  Makes sense, but it's a revolving joke that was affected by others.  It may even be detrimental.  People want to do something to me, to hurt me.  I dunno.. what should I do?  I deserve to be an actress.  It's just I'm still growing my hair.  4 months?  When the show starts up, my hair will be long, again.

I feel threatened that my dad could get her show canceled, or she may decide to change her mind.  I just heard something.  Let's not let this happen.  All I did was I was able to ignore insults, I didn't do anything, and now this.  I also want to ignore stuff that would gray my hair.  I'm beginning to feel suicidal.  My dad is a bit older and acts like he's younger in some ways than these attractive adults born around 1960.  No one else, neither, will seem to get together with me.  I gotta look for stuff to do, like the library, ballroom dancing.  I have my Mad Cow audition the beginning of May, where I sing to do something during the school year.  I did feel drained of future kids getting the blue beta at Wal-Mart as I wandered around and feel my dad is skittish about how I can give it away.  We have to go on a Saturday.  I'll have to ask to make sure of it again.  Who knows, maybe we'll go another time.  I got a fish cuz I felt like I was settled, but I'm not settled to the fish.  I feel so blamed like I don't deserve to give it away.  I want another pet now that I wanna give away later maybe.  Maybe a bird.  I heard they are noisy at night, but so was that female hamster.  I feel my life is not okay, yet.  Ellen is about other people, so don't say no it's not about you all, it's about Ellen.  That's just fluff.  I mean it is about her but not in a certain way.  There are lots of young people on her show.  I wonder if she will quit because there aren't many young stars.  I am trying to get there.  I feel lazy, like I have no impetus to work out.  I go to the gym and swim with my dad lie 3 days a week for like 30 minutes.  I'm trying to jog each day.  I miss calling my Gramma, but I am so overwhelmed by how inactive I am and like how people like Ellen can >come and go< because it is sad and I have to cope.  I think she made herself clear the only way she'd disappear is by death.  I haven't been mean to her lately, seems I had coughed up a couple furballs and found she was tracking me.  Seems too late!!  Before, I hadn't talked about her much at home.  My blogs weren't as bad as I thought before.  I think I got mad but it was at no one or more comfortable to my dad.. I didn't get gross, but I did curse and say *beep*.  I don't wanna pay for it because I mean what.. I've explained and apologized.  I already had enough to worry about online.  I was never set up right for the internet.  My friends made me jealous on MySpace and I lost my friends by spam and being upset but not like grossly nasty.  You might call it precisely that, though.  It just wasn't right and was cuza the world changing because of Johnny Depp as like Willy Wonka or being hoarded after in Pirates of the Caribbean, which I had not seen before.  Ellen left on an unsettled note, I felt, but I trust in her in like if her show stops like that she still exists and people will tell us about her and maybe she will still be able to be publicized.  She is much younger than Jay who just retired, so, but she seems she's done it so much like that something should be different.  She doesn't seem to wanna meet just anyone, but she's with Portia.  What can we do?  Maybe, we have to change our ways, but we're cool, right?